Wearing the Mask

I’ve been amazed at the response I got from that last post…comments, emails, questions. Apparently, there are plenty of us mask-wearers out there! As Meredith said, it’s the default position for many of us. I’ll be honest with you here… this whole blog thing is really gonna stretch me out of my comfort zone in this respect. I’m fine with being open and transparent one-on-one, and I’m pretty good in groups. But this…well, this is as public as it gets. And I find myself thinking OFTEN about how certain people will react to whatever I’m about to say. I’m wondering…is that a good thing or a bad thing?? is it my pride that makes me hesitate? is it fear of man? I guess, everyone falls in different places on this transparency continuum, and it probably has alot to do with our personalities. I’m pretty outgoing and don’t mind speaking up, usually. Don, as I said earlier, is very private, and it’s much harder for him to open up about his thoughts and feelings. But I’m wondering, in general, how should we, as followers and representatives of Jesus, do this? How open should we be? Are there certain things that should be kept private? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, folks!

I remember hearing a famous author and speaker giving her testimony one time. She had a pretty stained past, but she shared it openly because, as she put it, “It doesn’t matter what you think of me…it only matters what you think of God. And the worse off I was, the better His grace appears.” I’m pretty sure I agree with her, but I still find certain things about my past difficult to talk about.  When I was in the middle of our marriage struggles, I really didn’t feel like I had a choice about the mask. Don didn’t want me to talk to anyone about our issues. I didn’t completely submit to that, because I was afraid I couldn’t survive if I didn’t have at least a few friends to help me. But generally speaking, the mask was like a prison to me. I hated it, but I didn’t know how to get out of it.

It was interesting yesterday when I asked Don to read my marriage post before I published it. I wanted to make sure he was ok with it. It amazed me when he just nodded and smiled and said “yep, that’s good.”  Wow….another evidence of God’s grace in his life. Before, he would’ve NEVER wanted me to talk about our struggles like that…especially on the internet for the whole world to see. So I’m thinking…that transparency is a gift from God. And I’m so glad God’s allowing us to talk now about our struggles. Maybe, just maybe, it’ll help someone.

How God Transformed My Marriage

Don and I were married in 1988. He is a quiet, private person, and by his own admission, was very comfortable living behind a wall. We drifted apart emotionally pretty quickly, and then rode out the first several years in a very superficial relationship. We went to church, had a couple kids, and looked pretty good on the outside. Remember….I’m good at doing that! And I found myself falling back into some old “mask-wearing” patterns of behavior.

I was continuing to learn new things in my walk with God, but Don just didn’t seem too interested. He did go to church regularly,  and was even in leadership, but if I tried to talk to him at home about spiritual things, he’d shut down. I was a little concerned, but mostly just frustrated. I went through what alot of women go through…that time of trying to be the Holy Spirit to your husband, then learning it won’t work, then learning to keep the mouth shut and wait on God.

During the next several years, we had a couple more kids (!) and continued to look pretty normal on the outside, but in reality, we were struggling with some major conflicts and issues in our marriage.  Don grew colder and colder spiritually. He morphed into a man I almost didn’t recognize. He became intensely controlling, jealous, angry, and suspicious.  A very few of my close friends knew how bad it was, but most people didn’t. He refused to go to counseling, and threatened to leave me if I went without him. 

During this time, though, God graciously gave me a mentor and close friend who constantly helped me see things spiritually. She met with me weekly, and held me accountable. We wrote out prayer cards (based on the book The Power of a Praying Wife), did Bible studies, and discussed what a godly response to this would look like. Most importantly, she taught me how to love with Christ’s love, an unconditional love that wasn’t based on my feelings or on Don’s behavior. God taught me some amazing things during those dark years.

But gradually,  it kept getting worse. His anger issues began to affect the kids, and his jealous, controlling behavior intensified to a really unhealthy point. I was actually afraid of him. He had never hurt me physically, but his behavior was so bizarre that I was afraid he was nearing a breakdown. In the spring of ’06 it came to a head. I knew it was time to insist on getting help. I was at my friend’s house who had been my spiritual mentor, and after much prayer, I told Don I wouldn’t be coming home…but I would meet him in a counselor’s office. I fully expected him to explode in anger, but instead he broke. He made an appointment with a counselor and we went. His brokenness shocked me. He cried alot, was very sorry, and begged me to forgive him. We went through a couple months of counseling, worked through some deep issues, and I watched the walls slowly come down.

At first, the walls that came down were just the ones he had built between us. He still had the walls up with God. We had alot of deep, spiritual conversations and I saw a curiosity in spiritual things that I’d never seen before. He started reading his Bible. He asked questions. Then one Saturday night we were up talking til 3 in the morning. I mentioned my prayer cards, and he didn’t know what I was talking about, so I showed him. They were 3×5 cards where I had written out my specific prayers for him. He read them, and started crying. We had a really sweet conversation about it all, and the next morning we went to church. The sermon was on “Surrender” and as we sat in the service, he was grasping my hand so tightly that it hurt! And as soon as the preacher prayed, even before the music began, he pulled my hand and we went down to pray together. It was a pretty amazing experience! 

Since then, I’ve seen such incredible evidence of the Spirit of God in his life. He is like a completely different person. He has a sensitivity now that he never had before. He has a thirst for God’s Word, he can actually SEE spiritual things, and he even apologizes!! haha! that was something he didn’t know how to do before! When he gives his testimony (which is often, and always amazes me!) he jokingly says that before, he was always right, never wrong…and now he’s wrong most of the time!! It sounds funny, but actually, that humility is another evidence of the Spirit of God in him.  It’s been so amazing to witness! We are living in a completely different relationship now, and I sometimes wonder where my husband is, and who this new man is!! He really is a new creation!!  It’s been 3 years now, and we are still standing in awe of the miraculous way God stepped in and displayed His power in Don’s life and in our marriage.

My Rescue Story

Thought I’d share a little of the powerful ways God has been at work in my life. This may take several posts, but I’ll start out with the story of how He rescued me.

Most people know that I’m a preacher’s kid. I was raised by 2 of the godliest people I’ve ever known. My parents did their best to teach me the ways of God and point me in the right direction. I was pretty good at playing the part outwardly, but I had a rebellious heart. During my teenage years, I really learned well how to wear the mask. A few people knew the “real” me…probably more than I’d like to realize! But for the most part, I think I fooled a lot of people. I was even fooling myself. Deception’s a really weird thing! It’s a very powerful stronghold. I remember thinking during those years that someday I wanted to live for God, but just not yet. I wanted to have fun first. At least what I thought was fun. I didn’t realize that my sinful behavior would scar me and follow me. The consequences of sin can be pretty hard to live with! 

When I was in college my rebellious heart became more evident, and I found myself in pretty big trouble. I was at Pensacola Christian College, and I had gone off campus several times to places we weren’t allowed to go. When we got caught, I was given 141 demerits. This was only the 2nd week of the 2nd semester, and you’re allowed 150 demerits before they expel you. The seriousness of the situation got my attention. I had been under conviction since I first arrived at PCC, but I had pushed that Voice away. Now, feeling the weight of my sin and stupidity, I submitted to the Voice. Ya know, God’s grace is just amazing! He welcomed me with such love and forgiveness, and I began to take baby steps in my walk with Him.

Over the next several years I experienced such an incredible time of growth. I remember the first time a Scripture verse “came alive” to me.Wow! it was so supernatural that it was almost creepy!! It was like I could suddenly see something I had never seen before…almost like those weird hidden 3D pictures in the comics. I had NO doubt whatsoever that God was working in a very supernatural way.  It humbled me and sent me to my knees.

This journey has continued to amaze me. Along the way God has brought people into my life to mentor me, pray for me, and teach me. He has used good circumstances to draw me closer…like when I became a mom, and had to figure out my own theology in order to teach my kids. And He has used trying circumstances, like the first 18 years of my marriage, when things were so difficult I had to cry out to Him continually. I’ve been amazed at the ways He has carried me. I know I don’t deserve His love and grace, but I’m so very grateful.

Just getting started…

Well, here we go!! I’ve been thinking about doing this for a long time, but now it’s official! We shall have ourselves a blog! Not sure what this will mean, and I hope I don’t get too OCD over it and spend hours re-reading and editing this stuff (I could definitely see that happening if I’m not careful!)

I love to journal, but this is a brand new format for me, so I’ll have much to learn, I’m sure. Any of you bloggers out there care to share any advice and/or wisdom with me about this new adventure? I suppose I’ll just randomly write out my crazy thoughts on various topics but if anyone has anything in particular you want to discuss, I’d love to hear about it. I’m a people person, for sure, so I’d much rather this be a discussion board than a monologue.

For now, let me share what God is challenging me about today…

This morning I went out on my back porch and had a nice, quiet time with God. I’m reading the book Knowing God, by JI Packer so I spent some time reading, then spent some time talking to God and listening to some great praise and worship music. Immediately after that sweet time with God, I found myself on the phone with a close friend who is struggling on many levels. For some reason, God is constantly bringing me to this place… listening and discerning and trying to speak truth to people I love who are hurting. It’s a tough place to be, but He keeps wanting me there, so I go. I listened for probably an hour, praying as I listened, hoping to bring healing somehow with my words, but wondering if she would hear me. I did get a few words of truth in there, and I think she heard me, but regardless, I obediently spoke what I know she needed to hear. My mom came up a few minutes later and could tell I’d been in another deep conversation just by looking at my face as I hung up the phone. She expressed concern for my spiritual well-being, since she knows how heavy it can be to try to help so many different people. I asked her to pray specifically that I would be consistent in my personal time with God. I told her that the only way I know to stay healthy spiritually is to be consistent with my quiet times with God. If I hadn’t had that time with God earlier, that phone conversation would’ve sent me over the edge. But because God had just met me and filled me, I was able to deal with the heavy stuff coming my way.

Sadly, that’s not always the case. I sometimes find myself running head-long into my crazy day without stopping for that time with God. What a shame! My day always goes smoother when I’ve had that time with Him. I feel His presence throughout the day, I hear His voice more clearly, and I’m just generally more obedient. I just read a funny example of this in the book Crazy Love, by Francis Chan. He said that living the Christian life can be compared to running up an escalator that’s going down. If you stand still, you go down. If you walk up the escalator, you stay in the same place. But if you run, you’ll actually make some progress. Running is the way to grow, isn’t it? But running takes conscious determination. That’s why it takes effort and discipline to consistently spend time with God before I head into my day. If I don’t, then I’m sure to meet up with people who need the Lord, but I won’t have much wisdom to offer them. I need a fresh dose of the Spirit every, single day. And that’s what He reminded me of this morning. Now I’m praying that it’ll really sink in, and tomorrow morning I’ll be determined not to miss that sweet privilege of meeting with Him.